Loss Of A Son

It's been a really hard week. I don't want to sugar coat it or anything. Plain ol' messed up. 

This week started off fine, Elder Boyack and I worked hard, had some comp inventories and helped him not miss home. The thing he said helped him the most was just to work hard so he didn't have to think about home. Thats what we did. 

Wednesday hit and we had Zone Conference and the whole theme was "To Change Today" It motivated me a lot. I took 6 pages of notes. I tried to get Elder Boyack to take notes but he just sat there with his arms crossed. Zone Conference can be the most amazing thing for you or the most torturous 7 hours of your life. I loved it. Boyack unfortunately, didn't. This is where I started to see a change in everything about Elder Boyack. He didn't make eye contact, he didn't want to do anything besides be on his phone. He had a meeting with President after the Conference and we went home and worked. Thursday night he says "Elder Legas, I have to tell you something in the morning." I went to bed with a sick stomach. 

Friday morning comes and we get up and go play soccer (as usual) and he just wouldn't look at me. I pulled him aside and asked him whats up and he just said he wanted to talk about it later, when we were in church clothes. I understood, it's easier to feel the spirit and give council when you're dressed appropriately. We get home and as I'm making breakfast for everyone President calls and asks to talk to Elder Boyack and me at the same time. We go to our room and the jist of conversation is:

"Elder Boyack, your flight leaves tomorrow afternoon. be ready to leave by 11:30 tomorrow. until then work as hard as you can. Elder Legas, when Elder Boyack leaves you will be with Elder Heileson for a week and then he will go back to his original companionship and you will be in a trio with the Bilingual missionaries for the rest of the transfer. Any questions?"

"No sir"

"Okay, work hard. I love you both."

After sitting in silence for about 20 seconds Elder Boyack tells me that that was his thing he had to tell me. I couldn't believe it. I honestly thought things were going great with Boyack but I guess not. He tells me that I helped him out more than I could imagine but my mind was blown. The whole rest of the day was a blur, not a lot of talking -didn't know what to talk about- knowing it was his last day on the mission I wanted to let him pick what to do but he was too indecisive and we wasted quite a bit of time figuring out what to do. Finally he said you decide, I'm happy with anything. I told him I'd decide but everywhere we went he had to make the first contact. He's going to go out with a bang and won't have any regrets. Most of the stuff we talked about weeks prior to this happening was why we go on a mission and how much it blesses peoples lives and how we should feel happy. 

I guess he never felt the true joy you feel when you work through trials. There might've been some other things he was dealing with, in fact I know there was. As hard as I tried to get him to stay he just wouldn't. You can try your hardest but people still have their agency. 

I'm more sad about this than anything else in my life. More sad than people not keeping commitments, more than breakups, more than sports ending. I'm flat out bummed. 

In a sense I can kind of see how God must feel with us sometimes. God will ALWAYS do everything he can to get us to make the right choice, but in the end it is up to us. He will not take away our agency. The ability to choose is an eternal principle. Gods individual plan for all of us revolves around that one unique word. AGENCY 

Maybe these 2 1/2 weeks was all Elder Boyack needed. Maybe that's what Heavenly Father had planned for him. I did my best and I pray it's what the Lord wanted me to do. 

President called me the other day and told me he was very proud of me and that Elder Boyack really appreciated and loved me for everything I did for him. 

President complimented me on my abilities to stay happy and energetic even when times are tough. To be honest I don't feel that way but there's other people that are looking to me for that inspiration and I have to be on my A-game.

Nights are long and the sleep is short. But I've drawn closer to my Heavenly Father. I have found happiness and joy in all aspects of my missionary life. Scripture study in the morning helps me more than anything. But then the little things are great; kind words, acts of service, a wave from a passing car. It all means so much. It reminds me of a section from a poem I love. It doesn't rhyme but I love it

"I wish you enough pain so smallest joys in life appear much bigger."

I'm feeling joy in little things right now. I beg you all to be a "small joy" in someones life this week. you do not know what so-and-so is going through. 

For those of you that are in the dumps LOOK for the little joys. There is truth in the Hymn "Count Your Blessings"

I promise you, you will be surprised at "what the Lord has done"

He has not and will not ever forget about you. Be humble and ask God for help. 

"For mine arm is lengthened out all the day long" (2 Nephi 28:32)

Here are some of the moments where there was "sunshine in my soul" 

Next week is a new week. It will be more upbeat I promise :)

1. Elder Boyack, Me, Elder Freeze in Walmart. (A lady asked us to put them on)

2. Oreo Challenge with Elder Freeze

3-4. More Oreo activities at a young woman lesson. Also our prize winning craft (a crown with a lot of Cheerios and a little bit of Fruitloops that says Be a fruitloop in a world of cheerios) Dad youre the biggest FRUIT-loop I know <3

5-6. Copying my awesome dad when he was my age. (This was my last picture with Elder Boyack)

7. Succeeding in taking the cringiest picture ever. (We're here to spread the LOVE)

8. New comp for the week Elder Heileson